Deconstructing Karen - who is she? when is she? why is she? am I she? how can I not be, please?

We gotta talk about Karen - mostly because if you follow me, I want to ensure you're educated about it, and you aren't scared if I use words or terms about inclusivity, race, privilege and stuff like that.

I am past the point where I blame the individuals for the circumstances - there are issues we have to tend to, and they are collective and structural.  So first, please know that this is not an exercise to make anyone feel icky: it's the opposite.

My goal is to help make this easier to understand, avoid (should you be inclined), and see the importance of certain discussions - I am big into understanding things, and culture is a big part of what I find curious, our culture focuses on race, regardless of how we feel about that and it's impact on us.  We have to check a box on forms, ignoring that reality is odd, especially if we want to stop checking the forms on the boxes.

We gotta acknowledge them to get them deleted, y'all.

Dig?  That's my theory:  The way out is through - and that requires forward motion.

Jackie as an extremist

Those of you who know me personally know I have some pretty extreme views on race and society:

Inclusion, solidarity, community are the driving factors for many of my views.
Ultimately, I genuinely want to love everyone. Sometimes I need to work on it.
See?  I am super extreme.  xo

 The logic and deprogramming process

I’m really interested in deprogramming my own bias, questioning bias when I see it, and discussing it when it comes up.  I will call others out on biased behavior or patterns when I see it - I work to receive that feedback with grace when it is my turn (I have had several turns, they are... humbling, so I get the resistance).

I have my own reasons for my extreme views on equality.  I have my own life experiences and people whom I love and cherish who are crucial to why I feel this way – and this has always been who I am.

I am a Libra, and the Libra high vibe truly does not understand racism – it’s confounding: this perspective.  I worked for years to “logic” through it. 

There’s not a lot of great logic around it.

Symptoms that Plague us, and shape our society's tone

Over decades of exploration, I have concluded that self-loathing is deeply connected to the toxic element of white supremacy in my own life, family, and experiences.  This viciousness that is turned externally on others?  It’s also something we use against ourselves with a ferocity that appalls – most of us cannot confess what we say to ourselves, do to ourselves, contend with as we face the demons in our mind telling us all the ways we are not indeed perfect right now.

It is perfection as a weapon - wielded mercilessly against ourselves and each other.

I have gone through many stages of white enlightenment: guilt, shame, discomfort, enlightenment, curiosity, enthusiasm, convert, missionary, EXTREME CONVERT (complete with white women rage if you don't get it.  I mean honestly, I am fighting for the right reasons, y’all YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ME BECAUSE I AM A PRIVILEDGED WHITE WOMAN AND I AM OFFICIALLY ON THE GOOD GUYS SIDE SO WE SHOULD STOP THIS NOW.) A lot of us quit around here because we're not used to needing to be this resilient in the face of adversity.

I have dipped into the frustrated depression of “WTF, enlightenment isn’t working” and pessimism that comes with reckoning with societal reality.  The frustration that comes with nitpicking each other - as an act of solidarity with other communities (facepalm)  - berating each other in honor of those who cannot berate us themselves?  A weird twisted interpretation of solidarity that is based in whiteness’s “perfection” as a tool to oppress us all (I discussed Perfectionism as a tool of Oppression in yesterday's Tues Tea with Jax on Perfectionism).

As a result of these experiences, I have learned things, and I would like to share some of those things with you now, with the hopes that they will help you on your own journey.

Learning to Listen is Crucial to Growth

When talking about privilege, the first thing I had to learn to do was to shut up.
I AM STILL LEARNING TO SHUT UP.

I am proud of my progress, and the choices I have made because I am aware of the slippery slope that comes with not knowing when to shut up.  (It’s easier to keep your errors quiet if you’re not blasting them to the world while you’re realizing them).

Once I stopped talking, and started listening, I started getting instruction on inclusion, and when it comes to inclusion?  There are some experts out there already - listen, give them credit for their wisdom, support their businesses and livelihoods - those experts?

Black Women - the system rages hard against them, and they raise families of all shapes successfully.  Their wisdom is crucial to ensuring we sweep everyone when we try to lift each other.  

When looking for guidance on how to be inclusive?  Listen to Black Women

I took this very literally for a while (to reprogram my subconscious as much as to learn consciously). I began reading/following/listening to mostly WOC or non-white-passing women (a new term I learned while listening) because I knew that I needed their insights to help me to understand, and I wouldn’t be able to hear them if I was talking.

Y'all know this isn't easy for me.  You know I have a lot to say.  So that means?

I also have a lot to LEARN.  Eeep!

I found Black Women who WANTED to teach (as I learned that educating us is not something we place on Black Women, this is something we benefit from, when they step into that role).  It is not for us to demand that Black Women educate us.  Rather, it is crucial that we LISTEN when Black Women DO SPEAK UP – they require our support, our solidarity, our engagement, and our focus to help them to achieve what they are here to achieve. 

So we have some basic rules to follow, which really are pretty obvious, since they follow the principal of the Golden Rule:  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Easy peasy - till you gotta walk that walk, eh?  Yeah, I know.

See why I talk about learning curves so much?  

What SHOULD WW DO?

An excellent question, and an important one!

We have so many ways to be part of the SOLUTIONS!

Support, encourage, learn, share, uplift  women who do choose to step into leadership roles on diversity, inclusion, and race.  Give back to them in all ways you can think of: – pay them for their time, effort, education. Give to their businesses, efforts, activities, and sustainable incomes.  Share their posts, uplift their voices, give them a thumbs up in your feed so others see them.

We can do all kinds of things and SO MANY COST US LITERALLY NOTHING.  That is important to see.  We can act now, with no cost to us, and extreme benefit to others.

You soul is like: THE ROI IS UNMATCHED!!!  DO IT DO IT DO IT!

lol.  xo

Another Golden Rule To Inspire Your True North

NEVER TAKE WITHOUT GIVING BACK IN RETURN – this is a crucial element of the solidarity efforts we need to make as those with privilege - even if the privilege was just "it wasn't worse because I was a POC".  Just that small element probably made our lives significantly less cumbersome, and that's a crucial element of understanding the issues of these toxic systems and structures.

Interpreting What WP Hear

In my years of listening to Black Women leaders and activists and regular humans with amazing insight – I have learned so much about myself, my community, my strengths, weaknesses, and places to improve (there are plenty).

When I started listening to Black Women, I learned things that are understood in the Black community, that are sometimes perplexing to non-Black communities, or those removed from these communities and they misunderstand what these terms mean. 

“The kids say” is often code for “Black community is saying” because the “kids” who are trendsetters are usually in ... you guessed it: Black Communities.

Newsflash, y’all.

Everything we think is “cool” is created and inspired by the Black Community.  They are the heartbeat of our social communication in American society especially, but White Folx don’t see it (often because they’re so removed from it physically) or won’t recognize it ((for "low-vibe" reasons, we'll say.

KAREN: THE STORY OF AVOIDABLE PAIN

Black Women told me a long time ago about Karen, and I think it’s important that at least the white women in my own community, on my newsletter, know who Karen is, when she is a problem, and what the term actually means and WHO should be using it. 

WHO SHOULD BE USING IT?

Jackie - Are you gatekeeping language?

Maybe.  Are you colonizing language?  Do you need to be gatekept?

Yeah.

That’s how that’s gonna go here, so you know. 

XO.

YOU HAVE HEARD IT AND WE'RE NOT DOING A DRIVERS TEST: STAY IN YOUR LANE

Karen is simply the evidence that privilege can and will be checked when it is inappropriate, and that can be embarrassing when it's public.  

Ohhh!  This is where “stay in your lane” shows up?

Karen is a great place for us to know when we should stay in our lane - back down, not make an awkward moment worse, and certainly not lean into "I AM WHITE AND A VICTIM SO YOU HAVE TO FIX IT NOW" while screeching.

I mean honestly?  Just act like everywhere is HR and you'll be fine.  I really think this is easier to avoid than we think.

WHO THE HELL IS KAREN AND WHY IS SHE A PROBLEM?

I’ve actually been thinking of writing about Karen for a while, and wasn’t sure how to work it in – and then the Phillies game happened this week and a white woman who is a truly terrible person did some really lousy stuffs. 

So – let’s get into Karen, who she is, and what is the issue we have with her?

RACE AND PRIVILEDGE ARE THE KEY FACTORS TO BECOMING A "KAREN"

A "Karen" is a woman who is usually white/white-passing/privileged woman who has decided to use her status in society to “check” POC/Black People's experience in some way – often by using the system through cops, authority figures, and established social constructs. 

Specifically: "Karen" is the white lady who calls the cops on the Black man who is in the park with his dog, doing nothing wrong, but making her uncomfortable.  "Karen" calls the cops on the BBQ’s loud music because it’s hip hop.  "Karen" tells the kids at the lemonade/cookie stand that they don’t have the permits to be there, and she’s gonna call the cops on their enterprising adventure BECAUSE SHE CAN.

"Karen" sucks – she’s a terrible person to most people, sure. 

But the real issue with "Karen"?  SHE IS RACIST.

Otherwise? 

She’s just another privileged and dangerous white woman - think of it as Karen is the champagne of problematic WW.  All the others are just sparkling whites.  Dig?

I'm trying to keep it light, y'all.  Stay with me. 

"Karen" is who got Emmet Till killed.  That’s a "Karen".

Okay?

Does that make sense?  We don’t have to like it, but we should UNDERSTAND IT.

Now – let’s move on to the next question.

WHEN WHITE FOLKS CALL OTHER WHITE FOLKS A "KAREN"

Remember I said it’s a great place for us to stay in our lane? 
Here’s a fun tip: you don’t need to understand the term Karen because?

WE SHOULD NOT USE IT. 

Huh?  Yup.  If you do, you're colonizing the language and potentially changing/watering down the actual meanings with the misunderstood usage.  

Slippery slope stuff - I like to sidestep that when I can, I advise you do something similar, if you want to avoid the mud.

This was a term that was created/developed by POC to help them identify the people they consider to be a threat among the white community.  This isn't a conversation that was supposed to be for us.  I know, that's not something we're used to, and we certainly do not love it. 

You know who doesn’t know if they’re a threat to the Black Community? 

The White Community.  It's a paradox, you see, if we step into it: we become the problem.

We can just not use the term "Karen" ourselves, and side step the whole issue.

VIRAL KAREN ALWAYS FREAKS THE FIRK OUT

It does add a bit of perspective, I hope, though, to why some women get so ANGRY when called a KAREN?  It's certainly not a compliment - it's folks saying "you are acting in a way that we don't like" - when that's done to your face by a stranger?

Evidently it's hard to manage because I see lotsa viral videos.

When "Karen" is used appropriately, it’s telling POC, this White Woman is dangerous – and honestly – that defangs her when it’s called out publicly - it inoculates those nearby.  So one of the biggest responses to being called a "Karen"?

KARENING THE FECK OUT ON EVERYONE BECAUSE OF THE COMPLETE LOSS OF POWER OR CONTROL. 

This is the part where she always goes viral.  We’ve all seen it.  Check yourself before you wreck yourself, friends.  It’s worth the effort to not be the problem.

This kills me each time, because I get her situation (and yes, I do laugh sometimes – but with humility, because I’ve had a few of my own “come to Jesus moments” over race).

Catch 22: "Stay Calm" to a Freaking Out Person Is a Trap, and beware cuz "Karen" will fall for it

Anytime in life it’s frustrating when you’re told to stay calm - it's like it triggers rage.  it's funny that way.  When folks tell you something - and give feedback about how you are behaving - it's hard not to ask WTF?  But stop, because it's a trap!

The last thing you should do when you’re accused of being a "Karen"? 

FREAKING OUT ON THE ACCUSER.

Why?  Well, if you follow the rules, then you’ve been called "Karen" by a POC.

When you are in the face of a POC, and you CARE about being a white menace, this is where you have to ask yourself your own “Come to Jesus” question:

Even if I wasn’t trying to do this thing:  AM I BEING A KAREN?

If you’re inclined to freak out on a POC? 
The answer from the internet is gonna be a resounding FECK YES YOU ARE.

So check yourself before you wreck yourself and go viral for being a "Karen".

KAREN ACCELLERATES THE CRISIS, RATHER THAN DE-ESCALATES

"Karen" cannot control herself, her actions, her behavior, her demeanor.

Her inability to self-control is other people’s fault. She is never at fault.  It is ALWAYS someone else’s FAULT.

Her primary play is “victimization” to use the “passive power” of white privilege to her advantage. 
Hence the vitriol you see toward “white tears” associated with the dangerous white woman stereotype and reviled by POC.

When WW are portrayed as victims: those who are present who can be made to be accountable for their victim status.  When it is POC, WW are dangerous as the “law” comes to “uphold” the status quo – which is almost always in "Karen's" (privilege’s) favor.

Thus, the conclusion:  white women are dangerous. 

That’s what this means.

"Karen" is deadly. 

"Karen" calls the cops on a Black Man who is going into his own home, and gets him detained and has SWAT teams deployed. 

That type of interaction with the police gets POC un-alived. 

"Karen" calls anyway – indeed some say – "Karen" calls BECAUSE it may get POC un-alived.

See?

WHITE WOMEN ARE DANGEROUS = POWER USED FOR EVIL

There is a theory that unchecked WW are dangerous - when we don't realize we're acting on behalf of the machine, and we're just doing what we do without thinking it all the way through?  We uphold the system.

But there's another side to it too, then, right?

We have great power.  We can step into that power with integrity and use it with grace and love.

When we speak, we should speak with intention, thoughtfulness, awareness of the power of our own words.

This is the double-edged sword we wield – our voice is a blessing and curse.  A weapon or a shield, depending on how we choose to engage it and the world.

In my coaching courses, we take this power that we have inside ourselves, and we find ways to turn this power into a gift that we share with the world. 

We are not here to cause pain, we are here to resolve it, bring joy, and heal.

The best part?  This is not about your flaws at all!

Exhale, Beloved.  You are safe here. 
I am here to reinforce what is RIGHT about you!

WHITE WOMEN IN SOLIDARITY = POWER USED FOR GOOD

The work I do is not just about self-love. 
The work I do is about community, sustainability, healing, tending, and wholeness.
The work I do tends to what needs tending, with love, grace, forgiveness, and kindness.
The work we do together?

It is changing the world, one voice at a time, one day at a time, one thought at a time, one breath at a time. Each moment is a seed to be planted.

Each day a treasure to unearth.

Each moment a joy to be here.

When you have love in your heart, "Karen" is not a threat to anyone.  She has nobody to rage against, because she is tended, loved, whole.  She has nobody to blame because she is not in pain, she is not angry, she does not WANT to cause you the pain she feels just so you can help her carry the burden.  When we tend to ourselves with love, we are fixing and tending and loving the whole – and that?  That is a GIFT WE CAN GIVE to ourselves, and our world.

Isn’t that better than trying to stop a party because they’re having fun without you?

Let’s get your party started – and let "Karen" out to use her powers for good.

That’s all she wanted anyway – she’s trying to find her joy, and she desperately needs someone to notice that she needs support. Here, she can be supported and tended and loved so she can be supportive and tending and loving to others.

Isn’t it wild?

Tell me you don't love that it's this delightful response, not a hard and ugly one.  Come on, tell me!

You gotta love when the lesson is so fundamental and clear, don't you?

Love really IS the answer.

xo,

Jax