I have a lofty goal to heal the wounds that have been untended in this and many other lifetimes while I am here.

I have found that a path of internal wholeness can be isolating as you go on the journey – until you get to the reconnection aspects of it because you are aligning with a new path and timeline.

Eventually you realize that you were never lost, only confused in your own mind.

And that those who taught you this were not trying to keep you trapped, but they were also trapped in their own minds with their own stories and patterns and burdens and inheritance. 

Becoming the best version of yourself can be disruptive when folks have used you as a way to measure themselves: “I’m good as long as I’m better than her.”  If you start to surpass those expectations, it sometimes changes relationships – because vibrations and energy is real, and we’re finding those who really resonate with our own vibrations – and they’re not supposed to be the same all our lives, and just because some change and others don’t, doesn’t mean something is wrong with how anyone did it.

Shall we metaphor?

Lessons from choir

If it was music, it would be clear how important it is for us all to stagger our breathing – hold a note longer than the person next to us.

Maybe we'd be cooler with the abrupt changes too:

Go staccato for a while – get silent for the space to expand and explore the minutia – it’s all there and welcomed in music and nature – as we can welcome and celebrate it for ourselves, too.

It takes practice.

It can hurt or be really uncomfortable to go through significant transformations, it can feel scary to see things change. It can also be exhilarating and like living your own movie – where you get to have the epiphany.

It can feel like a threshold moment - like walking through the fire - it tempers and hones you now, it does not destroy you.

It strengthens you.

When you’re the character in the Trumann Show storyline who finally sees outside the bubble for the first time?

NOTHING impacts the soul like a new expansive vision – especially when we believe it can be real for us if we never believed it before. 

I did not know there could be that kind of joy – the joy I felt when I broke out of my story but this image is really close - it was FREEING

I ran around like a nut for a few months literally telling folks how I was going to change my world in every possible way, how I was going to do something – CAN I PLEASE HAVE 2000 MINUTES OF YOUR TIME TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY JOY?

I had so much joy.

I still tingle when I think about the experience - I came alive when I broke out of the story I was living.

The story that was conscious and unconscious – I knew it was there, but I did not realize how all encompassing it really was – until I escaped.  

I was not new to the work at that point - I didn't think I would have this moment then, but I did.

October 2022

I have been different since then.

My life changed that day because of a conversation that was literally less than 7 minutes long.

Do you know how many DECADES OF THERAPY I have had?  This happened in MINUTES.

My world, my perspective, my acceptance of myself and my love of life changed.

Fear of the future dissolved and my understanding my path and my ancestral healing began.

Y'all it took so long to get through this healing that I think even my coaches seemed frustrated with the apparent stagnation.

Turns out, it wasn’t stagnation at all.

It was MASSIVE transformation of the sort I never even dreamed was possible.

I think that was the first log I unjammed in my psyche because after that happened I worked to "clear space" in myself and my psyche.

It helped.

Again last year another breakthrough June 2024. 

Cleared enough out of my vision that I was able to see the story in front of me with my family and ancestral stories/heritage/inheritance/trauma/baggage/burden/shame/self-loathing/disempowerment suddenly revealed themselves to me with more transparency than ever before. 

I re-membered the story - put together the pieces I had been stashing away all my life, and then POOF.

A clear picture.

A story that explained why I felt I was confused for the first 47 years of my life.

Clarity.

And with it?  

Calm.

I describe summer 2024 as my “Alice through the Looking Glass” moment

I spent so many years lost, confused, wandering, and hoping I was on a path that I could understand one day, that had actual direction.

I really felt lost and aimless for a long time.

I contemplated the point of my life more than once over these decades, flirting with the vastness that called to me, but did not take shape in any recognizable form.

Confusion frustrates me and being confused about my life? 

It was MADDENING.

Last year, that all went away.

The remembering made me more whole.

My feet are FINALLY so firmly planted in the ground with truth that it doesn’t matter how ugly it is: it still helped me heal to see the truth as it is.

Truth is grounding, I discovered, and once I knew it - I could rest

When I turned to tend to the healing, I could recognize it and see the impacts and the implications this truth had on my life, my story, my narrative, and my whole extended family.

Things became clear to me that had flummoxed me for decades.

It wasn’t easy, but it was necessary – crucial to my progress forward.

Indeed, it changed how I felt about myself, my life, my choices.  My body felt physically calmer - like a buzzing had stopped that was so constant for so long I didn't know it was there annoying me.

I became more discerning - eventually. 
First, I drank heavily.

I drank a lot for one month - August - after I realized the truth that summer of 2024.

It was me communing with my deceased father in his favorite troubleshooting method: brown liquor.  Wondering about his part in the truth I found, what he knew, what he ignored, what he chose.
You know, the questions you won't get answers to because the time has passed.
It seemed appropriate - he passed in August 2020, the grief felt timely and appropriate.
So I drank.

Mostly alone, because husband had pretty much quit in the spring.

Then, suddenly, I stopped too.

After that goodbye, I didn't need as much numbing.

Slowly I started to do little things differently.
I didn't need as much "help" coping with the experience now.

September 2024 I put booze down in earnest. Husband had stopped a few months before for his own reasons, and I joined him – we have had about 4 days in the past year where we have had a drink – all for a special occasion – 3 of the 4 we regretted. lol.

We never saw this coming, but here we are. It makes us laugh because we're both surprised by it.
We still have a liquor cabinet and favorites we aren't ready to give away, so it's a progress journey. heh.

That’s how we both lost so much weight, I think.
Fun perk, I admit.

Ebbs and Flows, the changes now are real and intense for us all

It can be lonely, finding our path – I have had so many close relationships that have changed or dissolved over my lifetime for all kinds of reasons, and I have had to learn about how to deal with that in a way that isn’t destructive.

I think it’s true that energy is what we resonate to and with, and it changes as we change, and our sound and vibration changes.

It’s not good or bad – it’s sound.

And if we’re lucky, and it’s aligned?  It’s music, and it’s a gift. 

Something we want to keep to ourselves and share with others, and bring out when we want to recall the emotions of life, we seek music: one of the few things that can even come close to expressing the complexity of the human experience, along with art, of course.

So if you’re ready to turn the sound in your life into music, join me on a healing journey that takes it beyond therapy into real life practices and rituals that support you and your highest and best self on your journey - message me, and let's begin making music together!

You CAN love yourself whole, and it's not an easy path, but I LOVE IT HERE.  This is easily the most content I have ever been - and yeah.  I know what we are surrounded by right now.

Life comes at you fast; loving yourself is a fabulous way to make the most of your time here.

xo,

Jax